Getting over someone....

Sometimes you want to, but for whatever reason you can’t. And its not that you can’t is really that you won’t, because at any moment they might change their minds and come back to you or maybe they will finally notice you exist or even do something so right that will completely erase the wrong that they had done. The problems a lot of the times is that they rarely, if ever do, and so you are stuck in a pattern of unrequited, unhealthy, or dysfunctional love.

How to get over them is the million dollar question that is easily said, but hard to put into practice. For some reason, the hope is so strong that no rationalization can outweigh it or destroy it. Of course, there is all this scientific reasoning of attachment (both in a social and a neurological level [apparently love neuropathways are tricky and difficult to get rid of], but in my experience all these distill into a certain type of hope a hope that I have already mentioned. With that in mind, there is different ways to destroy this hope.

Need versus want: must also come with believing and having in mind that people will never change. As in the economic world, this rule really applies to relationships and can really help with getting over said person. Let’s face it, sometimes the sex, their appearance, or the attention they give you really outweigh the fact that they really don’t meet your needs. I have had CONSTANT experience with this, thinking that giving them enough time they will perhaps change the way they are towards me. This is false hope, and a rationalization in its own. We are really saying, their attention (or sex or appearance) its rewarding on its own and its enough in order for me to wait for this change that will never come. On the bright side, when you look objectively on this issue, you can clearly see the flaws in the other, and suddenly, even for a moment (which is progress on its own), letting go is not so bad. You can see how they aren’t supportive enough, or good to you, or are too closed off. You can see them for what they lack, and maybe that’s enough for you to pack up and leave.  So use this one. Never underestimate the power of your thoughts over your emotions. If reframing an event works for the most depressed patients, it can certainly help with your ability to finally get over someone that might not have been good to you and for you since the very beginning.

Loss vs. Split: must be done with conviction, cutting all ties. I applaud those exes that ended up being friends in the end, because I find it difficult to see myself in that situation. I wonder if it were the same if one cheated or worse; one of them fell out of love. “Let’s just be friends?” they would ask. That said, it is important to understand the differences of what I say when I say loss versus split, because a loss involves a grieving process and a split involves a longer process that might open and re-open a wound. You cannot grieve the living. The guy that asks you to be his friend will constantly be contacting you, reminding you that he no longer loves you and that you’ve been downgraded. So why not just think of them dead. That they died unexpectedly, and will never come back to life. Cut all forms of communications even if its hard. At least this way, you maintain all good that they might have brought into your life before it was tainted by the fact that they didn’t want you anymore or preferred to be with someone else. Loss is final, and an end-all of a relationship, because the dead don’t call, and a dead person doesn’t come knocking at your door. At the very least, the grieving process can begin and let you heal your wounds that can be easily re-opened by the person that persistently wants you in their life despite the fact they hurt you. Now that’s just damn selfish, don’t you think?

The important thing with this is the conviction and effort you put into them. Some people completely deny a problem with the relationship, and others half ass cutting the other person off. These people might really never let go of that dysfunction. Thus, they live unhappily always looking to the other person for happiness. 

I know these are pretty obvious, but I hope it finds you, and that by explicitly saying them they will help get over someone or begin to heal.

Much love,

J.