You there, standing, You don’t notice me. By the time you get this I will be long gone. I wanted to write something cheesy like, “thank you for loving, sorry in advanced for not telling I was sick-peace”, but then I realized the humor would be painful, and you would probably resent me so I opted for this. I remember when we met. You were reading by the library. At this time I was fine, probably dying, but fine anyway. I liked your yellow stripped shirt that made you look like a bee with your fuzzy buzzcut that was now growing. Well now that I am dead you must know that I think it was love at first sight for me.
Until you I never ready had anybody. Mind you, I was busy with school, spend the weekends watching animation out of my laptop, while incessantly denying the various invitations from my friends on the outings. Sometimes I wrote, mostly cheesy poetry that compared a broken flower to an injured heart-or something of that sort. But I always opted to spend time, alone.
When we first made love you were sweet. By this time I had gotten the diagnosis, stage 4 cancer. I was an unfortunate rarity; 25 years of age with his life ahead of him and was now had an expiration date; 5 months from then. Anyway, it was my first time. I didn’t know what to expect. You gently gave direction; I followed. I really liked that.
I regret not telling. I heard you took it really bad. I cried a lot, not only because of how I was making you feel, but because it came with the realization that you loved me and that someone out there in the world cared for me romantically. I never had that. I could see you in my mind’s eye now looking everywhere for me in desperation. I decided to have my friends tell you I was seeing someone else. That’s the only way I would have gotten you to hate my and forget about me.
I read all your emails. Every single one. The day I died you sent me your last email. It said you were ready to move on and that it was too late for you to take me back. I was glad. I think that day I died in peace. I knew you were intent on forgetting me. So I let go of this thing called life. For this reason I am not going to give you this letter. You will never read it. I will be your biggest disappointment, but by that you will treasure more the loves that come to you. You gave me the experience of a lover, and I gave the experience of disappointment. Now as you turn and look around I am there. You are looking straight at me and a glint in your eyes tells me that you see me. You will go home that day and start crying. You would have gotten a gut feeling, a void in your heart. Your body will remember me, but you will be unaware of it. And then, once the cloud has passed you will receive a text from Michael, the cute waiter you met and 2nd and 3rd. He loves you like I did once. He will come to your home and you will leave, locking the door behind you. You will not look back.
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