The Hero Complex

Sometimes I wonder if the “need” to save someone is a factor that could influence “love”. We all need to be needed, but to what degree do we need to be needed in order for us to grow affection? Is this need illusory, and idealized?

I don’t know the answer to these questions, but the way I experienced the hero complex tells me that selfish gratitude is a strong factor that influences attachment and even affection. That said, I think we all want to be needed, and be INFORMED that we are needed. This is not enough, once we are informed that we are needed we want that gratitude, and may even want the favor return.

In relationships, the hero is always someone that hopes to lead his companion down the right path. The healthy person in a relationship with the damaged drug addict may do everything in her power to help him get out of his addiction. The hope that he changes, and in the end realizes and is able to appreciate all he has done is what drives her to continue doing what she does. There is an effort from the hero that is far and beyond that any regular person will endure. Because if you want it is worth the effort, right?  And then you hope the effort is worth the wait, and all you have done. The hero’s deed is driven by the expectation of change -- a selfish change that may never come.

I realized this selfishness from personal experience of trying to “Save” a guy who didn’t really know how to be “saved”. I hoped that if I stayed long enough he would realize what he had with me. I had this illusion that I understood him the most from any other guy who he dated. I assumed this due to all the damaged “relationships” he had with some really damaged guys, some which would steal his shit to make him stay with them. I figured that I’d put up with the emotional vacancy in his heart, his inability to understand any shred of emotion, and the neglect coupled with aloofness; all of which caused me to doubt myself. I was deluded with the fact that I was better than these guys ever were, and in a sense I might have been, but that shouldn’t have been a reason for me to stay as long as I did.

This hero complex leads to a previous theme I have discussed before. The theme of not letting someone goes because you don’t want to get over them. In a sense, they overlap with one another, the only difference is there is an element where the “hero” in this story puts an extra effort to provide positive results for the damaged person in a way that betters both of your relationships. And that’s just it, depending on the situation, you don’t really know if that extra effort is worth the wait. In exceptional occasions, maybe, but overall, maybe not. A person does not change unless they want to. This is specially true for someone who doesn’t know how to be saved, and who doesn’t want to be saved in the first place. The best you can do is let go, and let them figure it out on their own.