Abandonment Issues

It is often argued that the fear of abandonment is rooted in the past. Previously over-caring parents might have promoted a dependent mindset in their child. As a result, the child doesn’t do anything without the help/approval of his/her parents.

With this argument in mind, the process of abandonment is clear. Is not so much that is the other person leaving us the issue, but all related things that the person is taking away with them. They are taking away your security (if its parents), your love (significant other), or even financial help that that person brought to the table. We fear we no longer will be able to take care of ourselves (as with parents), or worse, that no one will ever love us like we were previously loved (partner/significant other).

Perhaps the best way to see these relationships is not by the ultimatum of necessity, but by choice and that what you learned from such relationship will move you forward to survive. Instead of thinking “I NEED to be with him” which promotes and end-all attitude about the person and the relationship, think “I CHOOSE to be with him” or we “CHOOSE to be with each other”. While it would still hurt if the person leaves you, you can say it was his choice, there is nothing you can do about it. Whereas if you NEED to be with him, there is a high likelihood you would try drastic measures to keep him or her in the relationship because it is unbearable to you that they leave, which will in turn cause them to resent you.

Also, we learn so many things from our different relationships everyday, and while the person might choose to leave or abandon us know that he/she did not take everything with them. If we learned how to work our properly from our partner, for example, we would still be able to use that even if he/she is gone. In fact we would probably be able to use that for a hot body to attract more partners. There is no satisfaction more gratifying than the fact that all the things we have learned from them they cannot take back, and you can use these things the way you see fit.

A last part of abandonment is that we underestimate our abilities. We fear we won’t be able to make it if our roommate leaves us because he was the main financial contributor or we won’t be able to feed the children if their dad leaves. When we succumb to our abandonment fears we often fail to see that in both of these there are solutions that require adjustment, like getting another job to meet financial needs or get your husband for child support payments. It is scary to be left behind but I think that fear becomes less and less when we realize all we learned about the other person, and that if they leave it is not the end of the world.

Much love,

J