Relational Anxiety

Not too long ago my friend finished her thesis regarding relationship perception or something to do with people with antisocial traits and the different ways they view relationships. During her literature review, she explained to me the concept of relational anxiety and how some of it is crucial for the relationship while none of it, or too much of it, causes distress and breaks the relationship.

I didn’t go further into explanations of why this is so, but I believe too little anxiety on behalf of ones partner would signal the level of significance this relationship has for that person, and too much anxiety shows how much instability the relationship has for that person---the way they perceive their relationship is a sign of the level of anxiety. If you are constantly worried your partner will leave you, cheat, etc. then you are more likely to be terrified during the relationship on every action your partner takes.

I wondered how this relational anxiety works on infant relationships or relationships that have not even started. I have had my share of anxiety, while waiting for someone to text me back after a long while, or a phone call that never came. I identified two different themes in these thoughts;

Thoughts of abandonment: These “not answering” behaviors from another tap into your basic abandonment schema, or blueprint of how you see abandonment. If you have a history of abandonment, you might react similarly to the way you have reacted in the past. Or, for example, if your abandonment schema activates high anxiety and you have done erratic/impulsive things in the past that have worked to lower this anxiety, you might do those again. The problem with these patterns of behaving is that they may have worked once, but may not work repeadetly. Texting a guy like 5 times per 1 text he didn't answer might cause a busy guy/gal to respond saying s/he is busy, but the majority will probably run the other way. Whatever pattern of behavior. Whatever plan of action you choose, and as far as you are concerned, by them not answering they have abandoned you or don’t want anything to do with you; and for some that is horrible, and might feel like the end of the world.

Thoughts of perceived uniqueness: The thought that you are never going to meet someone as special, as smart, or as interesting as that person that is not answering to your text/calls. This usually interacts with thoughts of abandonment or other self esteem thoughts (I am not good, perfect, smart enough)-because if you are smart, funny, or charming enough, it really wouldn’t matter if a persons with this magnitude of traits “abandoned” you.

Beginning to date has allowed me to experience these thoughts and to modify the way I see and continue to see things. For abandonment, I have become ok with it. I am learning to have this solid thought that people abandon you all the time, but that as some leave other people really do come into your life. As for the uniqueness one, I have learned that each guy I have met is different and unique. Each one is successively better than the last, not because of the qualities they have, but of the different things they bring to the table that make us compatible with each other. You may value intelligence, but what good is that when he is not considerate of your feelings, emotions, or other sensitive issues. Would you really compromise consideration over the status as a couple that his/her intelligence might bring you?

The way I see it, the relational anxiety level and perception of your partner must equal yours. What good will it do you if he/she was smart, funny, charming if there is a shallowness that comes with the way he views you or the relationship they might decide to pursue with you. This anxiety comes in forms of mild yet adorable and cute acts of insecurities like “Did you see the way he/she was looking at you?”, or after you not texting them because you’ve been busy they text, “Hey, I know you might be busy. Hope you are having a great day!”. Having equal footing in relational anxiety, I believe, is as important as having an equal footing on money, education, or any other factor that have found relationships to have worked.